Wearing Masks

Warning: PPA (Pity Party Ahead)

We all do it.

It's not that it's intentional but sometimes we put on a mask and pretend to be something or someone that we are not. Or perhaps it not quite as bad as that. Maybe we just put on some makeup to conceal the blemishes.

Either way we all have surely wanted to look our best. Hopefully though that would never involve out and out lying. God forbid. I've never lied on this blog. Why should I? If I were to lie you'd all surely find me out sooner or later so I see no point. I have, however, used a bit of concealer.

Why would I do that? Probably for the same reason you do it too. If we're honest most of us try to put our best foot forward here in blogland. And that's okay. There's not a thing wrong with presenting our best to one another. Truth be known, I've grown to love all of you. And I trust you enough to now reveal some of the blemishes.

Why? Why am I choosing to tell you these things? Well there is a point and I will get to it.

Eventually. I'll get to it eventually. This might turn into one of my longer posts. It's okay if you leave. It's also okay if you stay but you might want to grab a cup of coffee or a diet SODA. I promise that this post will not cause you to yuck up your monitor.

Okay so what am I concealing from you? My physical self. My mental, emotional, spiritual self... well you all know that side of me fairly well. It's easy to show that side of me here in writing but what you may or may not know is that nearly 20 months ago, I kicked a 2-3 pack a day smoking habit. It was tough. I won't lie. Those around me ~ including Adam ~ to this day are astounded that I quit. I was addicted with all I have.

I threw temper tantrums if I had to go much more than half an hour without a cigarette. So here's the part that's really hard for me to talk about. Four years ago my weight was at an all time high. I busted my patooty to lose a bunch of pounds. I was looking as good as I could at the time.

Okay so here's another issue. I have never ever viewed myself as attractive and to this dayI don't have a clue how to handle any type of compliment ~ not even from Adam ~ because I plain and simply don't believe a word of it. I will say this though... even though I have never viewed myself as good looking I can look back on pictures from 20 years ago and say "not bad." I couldn't say that then though. If that looks good compared to now, God help me as more time passes.

And that for sure is NOT why I'm writing this post. I am not fishing for any type of compliment because - trust me - I won't believe you anyhow.

My weight is back up there and I am unable to lose it the way I did before (good old fashioned walking my butt off) because of some pain issues. I have back problems that keep me from being on my feet for very long at one stretch. And now... today my weight is at its all time high and before you think it's probably not a big deal, it IS a big deal. My doctor is recommending me for gastric bypass surgery. Adam wants me to go for it because he wants me healthy. Not because he's a shallow man.

When the weight came back on, I was doing whatever I could to avoid any sexual contact with him because well... who wants the love of their life seeing them looking like Shamu? Not me, that's for sure. Okay so maybe that made Theresa spew her cola. Seriously, I didn't want him looking at me, touching me. NOTHING. I still don't but I also know that's not good for our marriage. Don't get me wrong... I wanted it. I wanted him. I just ... well... you know.

I have a friend who is even more overweight than I am but doesn't care. She doesn't care what others think or say but let me tell you something... a year ago I had to break up a rather loud argument between a young couple at school. When the boy called me a "fucking fat bitch." Yeah well I take that kind of stuff personally. If he'd called me a "fucking bitch" I would have been fine. The fat part? Well that was more than I could handle. The school nurse sent me home that day because I couldn't make the tears stop long enough to be in the classroom. And honest, I'm not a crier. I'm really not. And my friend? She had no compassion whatsoever as to why that bothered me so coming from a kid and all. It just did. That's all.

So what's the point of all this? Well the point is that when it comes to Adam I can't be what he needs at times. If you read yesterday's post then you saw that he needs me to go somewhere with him tomorrow night and I'd rather watch grass grow, stick hot needles in my eye... anything but that. The truth is that because of the position he's in, he at times needs a trophy wife. And the truth is that people watch him and ME expecting certain things.... things that I can't be... that I can't give.

And it's not fair to him. So the point is that I can't wear masks. I'm not the wife he needs me to be... but yet, I adore him. And he seems happy enough with me.

I don't know how to resolve this. I do my best to stay completely out of his career because I can't be a trophy on his arm. In all fairness to him, he doesn't expect that from me at all and doesn't pressure me much to do things I'm not comfortable with. But here's the real point, as I remove all concealing agents and the unattractive me comes through....... it's not him who thinks this or says this....

It's me who says "he deserves better."

And I can only wish that I could give him better.

But I can't.
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Beautiful mask found here