Even Teachers Can Learn

As I've grown older, I've been able to bury most of the old issues from childhood that stifled me as a younger adult. I believe myself to be now fairly well adjusted considering....

My childhood was crappy. Sure, others had it worse and many had it better. Mine is mine and it's the only one I know. There's a clear cut line that divides the good and the bad. The good lasted until about two months before my tenth birthday. That's when my father died and my world got flipped upside down.

And then when I was about two months away from turning seventeen, my mother died also. By then it didn't matter because life basically sucked as far as my sixteen year old mind could tell.

Don't feel badly for me. That was then. This is now. Now is awesome. I survived... heck some might even say I thrived considering. That's not the point of this post.

Recently I had a situation at work where I felt the need to defend myself, to explain. The problem was that there was no need for that at all. My superior already knew. I didn't have to convince her. It was okay. So why did I have this nagging feeling of wanting, needing to defend myself?

It's an angry feeling and I hate it. I've had it all my life. Whenever it's my word against that of another, I feel it. I want to lash out. I get angry. Frustrated. And for what reason? As an adult, I do believe I've established myself as someone who's honest, trustworthy. So why? Why do I feel like I have to bend over backwards to convince someone that I didn't do it... say it... think it... whatever.

As I drove from work I thought about this and all of a sudden the answer hit me. I thought of something Elis said in her blog. She told a quick story of scratching herself as a child and blaming her sister. Her parents would look at her certainly pathetic face and say something to the effect of "do you think we believe she did that to herself?" And although I find that cute and funny as all heck there's a lesson there for me.

No wonder I've gone through life feeling the need to convince others of my innocence only to walk away angry and certain that no one believes me anyhow.

I am Elis' sister!!! And she is my brother. My brother did the same sort of things to me all our life... only worse. He was older than me by several years. He had this way of breaking things, running up phone bills, and God knows what else... but he had this way of blaming me in a way that our mother always believed him.

I took the rap for him many times and hmmmm... I suppose I'm still a bit bitter but only because one time I brought something up to him hoping for an apology but instead he laughed and said "That never happened." But I know that it did.

What's sad is that my brother is still not a very nice person. A lot of my issues with him run way deep and I don't have the desire to dig into all that. I'm just thankful for this one little revelation... for seeing something I never saw before. The load lifted instantly and I knew my boss knew that I was telling the truth. I knew she believed me. And I had no need or desire to defend myself.

Yeah, Okay. I know. Teachers are typically believed and I've always known that's the case where I work. It was just nice to have that nagging, angry feeling disappear.... and all because many years ago, a sneaky, teary-eyed little PK scratched herself silly. Nick, you need to spank her for that!!! It's the only way I'll be completely satisfied.

Kidding, PK, kidding. Actually I think it's awesome to be learning so many valuable life lessons out here in blogland.

May it never end.