Some of the things Adam said to me on our road trip were hard to hear. I'm glad he said them. And I needed to hear them but it's painful to remember those years when our marriage was a mess. And believe me, it was a mess.I hated him and I'm sure his sentiments weren't much better towards me. That went on for YEARS. It only changed when he decided to quit suffocating me and gave me some space.
Of course that only caused me to think "hmmm... I wonder why he's pulling away and not harping at me constantly and smothering me any longer."
There was jealousy in our relationship. He hated my life. My friends. Everything. He viewed everything as a threat. And you know what? Those things were a threat. I didn't intentionally make them that way, but nonetheless they were a threat.
The more jealous he became, the more I turned to those things and made them priority over him. He wanted to be first and he wasn't. I didn't like him. I didn't even love him. When he backed off finally I just watched to see what he'd do next. And what he did next was change right before my very eyes.
He got a life. He became involved in some awesome things. People were noticing him and jumping on board with his ideas. He was treating me more like a person than a possession. And me? I just kept watching. Eventually, I couldn't help it. I started to like him again. Somewhere along the line, as our marriage began to heal, after about 10 years of turmoil our sex life began to return. Communication opened up. He was growing and finally so was our relationship.
And then spanking came along.
And that did it. We fell in love... the kind of love that includes LIKING one another. Those things that had taken priority in my life over him didn't seem important at all anymore. It was like a light had come on and I could see what had been standing before me all along: A wonderful, sexy, brilliant, adoring husband. What more could I want?
So now he's first. And he knows it.
As we drove along talking about what spanking has done for us he said "you are more focused than you've ever been." Hmmm... yes I am focused. Very focused. On HIM. On US. I believe though that what he really was saying was that he finally doesn't feel like an unwelcome outsider in my life.
I'm glad he sees that he is number one these days. That part makes me happy but when I think back to those crappy years... well, they weren't pretty and neither of us are very proud of how we were then BUT the good news is that I'm thankful to have come through that WITH him stronger than we've ever been in our lives.
I'm focused. Adam says so.
And YES.
Heck YES.
Spanking has a LOT to do with THAT. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Image found at http://www.pipmcgarry.com
This is an amazing story since you seem to take to your bed, when he is working to much.
ReplyDeleteI guess the smothering he did before was unhealthy??? Not like the domination and control we seek now, which is not only healthy but thrilling.
Is there a part 4. You seemed to have skimmed over the part about HOW the spanking got started.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it all along. This type of relationship and spanking build bonds, make couples stronger. You're ,living proof!
Will and I have been together almost a year. Without this in our lifes, i doubt we could have made it long distance.
OK I put "spellcheck" in the spell checker, and the correction said.... Take all your math problems to Eva not your spell-checks!
Hugs
Theresa
Eva, I am so so glad that all of those horrible years are in the past and that now you and Adam have a very special relationship.
ReplyDeleteI went thru those bad years for many, many years and for a couple of those years I would wake up and look at him and wonder what the hell he was doing in my space .. and moreso what the hell he was doing in my bad. That too has passed and what a great relief it was when it ended. I don't think spanking or anything would have worked on that, and considering where I am now, I'm glad we didn't even try.
I'm really happy for you and Adam!
reading this makes me think that myabe my marriage problems could be worked out
ReplyDeletecathy
Very deep post. That you share so honestly is the reason we love your blog so much. You pointed out the communication came before spanking did... which is so important. Spanking can't *fix* anything. Would be great if it did! Life would be so simple!! However, it does take a lot more work than that.
ReplyDeleteSpanking makes a nice icing on the cake though! We've also found it forces issues to be dealt with straight away... not allowed to fester and build. Communication and resolution in quick order. It's a good tool to maintain a healthy relationship.
And, it's awesome that you two put in the work to create a healthy relationship. A lot would have just given up.
[big hug]
~Todd & Suzy
Eva,
ReplyDeletewow. That is quite the turnaround between you two. A good example for me of how important it is to have my own life and be interested in something, as compared to being smothering...
Thank you for the insight as to what happens as a result !
Hope you and Adam have a wonderful weekend !
And I would love it if you come visit me and comment on my blog as well when there is a story or post you like !
Sincerely,
Anne Elizabeth of Make My Cop Come
Eva, I'm so impressed, I think this is possibly your best post.
ReplyDeleteSo often in situations like this partners just walk away. My Mel had to deal so often with the results of that.
The results that you two experienced, I think, show your quality.
I also think that our lifestyle, while it won't repair a bad relationship, will strengthen and stabilise a good one.
Excellent dear girl.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Yeah, what they all said! With our socity today I would think most people would be shocked that you didn't walk out on your marriage. If only struggling couples could read this even if they are not into spanking.
ReplyDeleteThe changes I have experienced have also been completely unbelievable.
You nailed it girl!!
Elis
Theresa~ Actually I have a post ready for tomorrow answering Elis' "how did you get here" question that will cover a bit more of how we got into spanking... and how I got to blogland. I could do MANY posts on what we went through and how awful our marriage was but honestly, I hate thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteMaggie~ That bad years are hell, yes? There's nothing like coming through them and knowing that you're not only a survivor but you're also a WINNER!! I wouldn't trade now for ANYTHING. It just keeps getting better and better.
Cathy~ I don't believe we've met. Welcome. Yes, all marriages have the hopes of being salvaged IF both parties truly want it healed. Email me if you like at evadry3@yahoo.com. I would love to chat with you.
Todd & Suzy~ Sometimes I wonder if I'm too honest. LOL But you're right. Spanking didn't save my marriage but it sure sped up the healing process and continues to bring us closer together.
A.E.~ Yes it was quite a turn around. We knew that one day our kids would be gone and it would be just the two of us and we decided that we wanted to make it work... togheter. Now he's my best friend. He used to be my worst enemy. He dind't mean to be but he was. And I read you all the time. Sometimes I just don't have time to comment or anything worth adding. Your blog is awesome but I will at least leave you an "eva was here" comment, okay?
Paul~ Thank you for those kinds words. You know, I'm not sure really how we survived it. When people ask we tell them we were too poor to afford a divorce and now that we can afford one... well who would want one. There's a lot of truth in that. If money had been plentiful back then we would have probably called it quits. I'm so glad we didn't.
Elis~ Honestly, I think a lot of people thought we were stupid to stay together. I'm ashamed to admit this but I'm going to tell you something so you'll know how truly bad it was... one fight was so horrendous that our kids snuck out to the neighbors who called the cops. I shudder when I think what they saw, but on the other hand, I'm thankful they saw that you stick it out, you work it out and there are truly happy endings.
Thank you all for your comments...
Love,
Eva
Hmm... without those crappy years you might not be doing so fine now. :) So don't feel like you've wasted them. Think how much good stuff they brought in the end. ;) Call it "sacrifice", even if you don't think it was. :)
ReplyDeleteHugz
Kay
Kayley~ I suppose I don't feel like they were wasted exactly. We raised 3 fantastic kids, afterall. I just wish it hadn't had to be but it sure does make us appreciate NOW!!!
ReplyDeleteEva