Complexity

We were on our way to a rather important event yesterday....a wedding. On the way there, Adam and I were talking. I mentioned to him something I had read in someone's blog recently. He asked questions. He listened to the answers I gave. And then finally he asked. . . "Do YOU have a blog?"

Now how did I not see THAT coming?

Personally, I think I was framed by my own subconscious mind which always seems to want to be busted. Lie. Don't lie. Lie. Don't lie. What to do... what to do.

Why would a spankee even consider such deceit as lying to her spanker? I quickly played out both scenarios in my mind....I had to act quickly. Hmmm... Tell the truth and end up with a butt warming for putting the intimate details of our life out there for the whole world to see. OR lie and end up with a butt warming when the truth eventually comes out.

I quickly opted for the truth because ... well, I would never lie to him anyhow. Besides, for all I knew he might have already found my blog and just been giving me the upfront chance to fess up.

The day was long and very busy as we were helping friends with all the details of their son's wedding. It's a very long story as to why the bride's family wasn't doing the normal bride's family part, but they weren't and that was okay. Anyhow, we were exhausted by the time we got home so we didn't do much talking. Other than him asking earlier in the day and my giving him the affirmative about this blog, we didn't say much.

And then he was up before me this morning. When I came down the stairs he was on the computer.... and MY blog was on the screen. My first thought was to turn around and head right back to bed. I approached him though, kissed him lightly and thanked him for last night. He turned to me and said "nice blog."

Those words could mean nearly anything but I think he truly meant "nice blog."

Today is another busy day. He's already out of the house. I have somewhere to go soon also. Later, we have a lunch date. After that we have some volunteer work to do. And then finally, when night time comes, I will find out what's on his mind. Honestly though I'd be very surprised if he's angry.

He said something about how we have played around with this lifestyle before but then it's faded (or something along those lines) and I'm not quite sure what he was getting at since there was no time to talk. I think, however, that he's perhaps confused by my complexity... my moods. He doesn't give spankings that I don't want and I'm fairly certain he thinks to do so would be abuse.

No, I'm not in the mood for a spanking every day but you know what? I've often thought "he really needs to just spank me for _____ ." I think I see the issue. It's one thing to spank when it's sexual and I'm saying "more more more." And honestly those kind are easier for me to ask for. It's another thing to spank if I'm saying "No, no, no."

At those moments when I'm being bitchy I am also asking for a spanking. I don't think he sees those moments as consensual though. Soooo... knowing that he is going to read this... I'm wondering if maybe it's time to explain to him that YES, yes, yes. I consent. If he thinks I need a spanking or if he's just in the mood to spank, it's OKAY. He doesn't need my immediate permission to spank me because he has that permission already.

I surrender and submit. I need the spankings that I don't actually want. I need him to take charge with confidence. I need him to not let me defy him. I need him to remind me of this writing. I need him to ignore me when I tell him no and spank me anyhow. I need him to take me at my word when I say forever and always I wish to submit..... even when it's not easy... even when I don't want to. And I want the spankings that I don't want.

Complex? How does one say "Hey, while I'm here in my spanko submissive mood I'm telling you that I want you to go ahead and spank me when I'm not in that mood? When I don't want it?"

When I don't want it, I need it more than when I do want it. And those are the times when I wish he wouldn't quit until I've released the tears.

Yes it's complicated but I'm not giving up. I'm turning my will over to him knowing that yes, he's man enough to break my will even when I appear to not want it broken. It's a choice I made a long, long time ago. Nothing's changed. It's just time to step up to the next level and live it.

Does one word of all this rambling even begin to make sense?