I Really am Alive

Has it really been nearly 3 months since I've posted? Wow.

I still feel like I have nothing to say. Life's okay. The grand baby is thriving. Crawling like crazy. Won't be long till she's walking.

I'll be honest. I'm fighting some battles in my relationship with Adam. I can't quite put my finger on it and have been trying to sort it out for quite sometime.

Every since my gastric bypass things have been different between us. He had his illness to deal with but I don't think that's it.

His job runs him ragged and I think that's part of it. For instance today I was talking to him for just a quick minute but got interrupted by a woman who obviously felt it was more important to talk to him than to let him and I talk for a minute. I do get sick of that from people.

Hormones? What are those? I still feel nothing and don't tell me to talk to my doctor. The best I can describe it would be to say something like "gee doc.. I don't feel like skydiving.." Or "I don't feel like riding a motorcycle" or "I don't feel like laying across the railroad tracks." I mean really .... who says that stuff to their doctor? Why would I? The point is I just can't make myself care.

I think part of it is cuz I've just given up. It's not all Adam's fault but it's not all mine either. It just is what it is. He's a busy busy man and no matter how much he tells me I matter more than his job, I don't really believe him. There's always going to be someone who needs him... there's always going to be voicemails to listen to, phone calls to return, things to pick up, drop off, emails to answer.

Just this morning after being interrupted the woman who interrupted stood and glared at me when he and I talked. I even walked away for a few minutes so she could talk to him and returned when she was done. The way she glared at me was ridiculous and not my imagination.

Oh well... like I said, it is what it is.

Sometimes though I feel like I'm just a bitch. There's another issue in our world... someone we know lies to us every time he opens his mouth. We know he's lying. He knows he's lying. It's a plagiarism situation which makes me sick. It's ruined his credibility in my mind. I don't believe anything the man has to say and what's sickening is that he is in a position where I should be able to depend on his honestly and integrity but yet he has none. Imagine if you found out someone in a highly public position was lying to you.. I'm not talking about a politician either. Hell, we all know they are a bunch of liars. No this is worse.. imaging it to be your doctor... or lawyer... or teacher... or preacher... or next door neighbor.... or grocer... or grave digger... someone who should be 100% trustworthy.

It makes me sick. Really really sick.

Sigh.

And what's worse, not only is this person's credibility shot to hell, so is that of those who SHOULD be stepping up to the plate and bringing to a halt because guess what they've done? NOTHING. Oh sure, they claim they are doing something, yet the lies.... they continue bigger and better on a continual basis.

Geeze.

I'm sorry. Didn't mean to get on here and bitch after being gone so long but sometimes a girl just needs to let it out.

Hope things are wonderful in your world. And really, they are good here. The baby is amazing. My job is going well. I just wish things weren't so blah with Adam but really, as long as I keep feeling as though I am second and that he will support everyone and everything else FIRST before me, I have a feeling this is the way it's going to stay. I mean really... would you want someone touching you when all you can think about is that they are only there until something better comes along. I mean really. Would you?

Okay... I'll crawl back under my rock now.