A Depressing Rant

**ALERT**

Whiny post alert. It's okay if you want to go somewhere happier. In fact, my twin has a heck of a post up. Go there. I won't be offended.

Don't try to tell me that it's all in my head. It's not. I know it's not. Telling me that will not change truth. It doesn't even hurt anymore.

I started out as always being the tallest, skinniest in the class.

That didn't last long though because puberty happened. I filled out, up, etc. It wasn't a pretty picture. It was an awkward time. Funny thing is, that awkward puberty feeling has never really left me. I've always felt like I'm a half a bubble off from the rest of the women in the world.

It goes beyond just not being a girly girl. I'm not wired like most women. I teach math, for crying out loud. I'm wired logically. I like things cut and dried, black and white. I hate to shop. I don't wear makeup. I haven't had a dress on in ages. Oh, I did wear one a year ago to my daughter's wedding.

So anyhow, this whole weight thing has been a struggle all my life. It's not the weight I mind half as much as how people respond to me. Again, please don't tell me I'm imagining things. I'm not.

See, I've seen it both ways.... from both angles. There is a definite difference in how people respond to me when my weight is down compared to when it's been up. For most of my adult life it's been up but there have been a couple times when I managed to get it down.

Do people think a fat person just won't notice that they are being treated differently than a skinny person? For a long time I thought people were just bitchy or maybe having an off day. Then one time Adam and I were in a clothing store where the sales lady, not knowing he and I were together, was sweet as pie to him while being rude toward me. I couldn't get her to help me but she sure was helping Adam.

When it dawned on her that he and I were together she looked down her nose at me. I didn't imagine it. Do these people think us fat people don't have feelings? Don't have eyes? Do they think we honestly don't see what's going on?

I'm lucky. Adam has told me all our marriage that he doesn't care what I weigh, that he loves me. That's a lie though because he does care. I see it. It's not all bad though because what I see is a man who loves me and wants me happy but even more important he wants my back to quit hurting me to the point of tears. He wants my feet to quit hurting. I honestly believe him when he says that it doesn't matter. I know the reasons it does matter are not selfish reasons. It matters to him because he hates seeing me so miserable. It's for the unselfish reasons that it matters to him.

I feel safe with him. I don't like going places without him. I'm happiest when he and I are home alone. I really don't like to go out much. I feel the eyes watching. I see the looks. I hear the comments. It's NOT in my head. I am NOT imagining it.

Do they think fat people don't have ears? Did the waitress at the pancake house this morning think I couldn't hear the words she spoke to the hostess who was about to seat us? Did she think it wouldn't hurt?

Fat people apparently have no rights. They have no feelings. They don't have the same senses of sight, hearing, etc that others more "normal" people have.

She stopped the hostess and said "never gonna fit."

I couldn't hear what the hostess said back to her but she changed the plans to take us to the back booth to a smaller table.

Fat people don't get the same sensitivity that someone with other issues gets. I see it. I hear it. It's not in my head.

Do they not know? Do they not know that we hear? We feel? We bleed? Just like the next woman we fat girls do all those things.

Do they care that my weight problems come from a variety of issues? Back problems which stop me from exercising? A thyroid condition that calls for 1.75 mg of synthroid every day? We got word a week ago that my insurance company has determined my weight issues are NOT from dietary problems but rather from medical issues. Therefore, they have approved me for gastric bypass surgery without the drudgery of going through six months of dietary counseling. There's still some hoops to jump through over the next couple months and no, we haven't set the date yet. And I'm hoping that my other issues don't throw a wrench into the plans and slow us down.

It's not in my head. Ask any overweight person. They'll tell you the same thing. I thank God through for Adam who loves me always for who I am. And I'm thankful for the friends who have stuck by me. But it's not in my head. I have ears. I know what I heard. I don't know if Adam heard her. I just sat with my face in the menu till I knew I wasn't going to cry. If he did hear it, I'm sure he didn't mention it because he knew it would make me cry. His philosophy is "hang in there babe, it's going to be okay."

That hope and my love for Adam is about all that keeps me going these days. Oh, and the little pup who is laying here sleeping beside me right now. He makes me happy, too.

Beds, Trips, Dreams

I've done my homework. More than likely my issues that I wrote about yesterday are from a lack of one of my very important meds for two months because the people who work for my doctor - to quote PK - are assholes. It's a long story and I've probably already told it on here and if I haven't it's okay. Just know that I went two months without an important drug because some people weren't doing their jobs.

Guess what we got today? A new mattress for our bed. New bedroom furniture is coming next month. It's currently on back order. Anyhow, the new mattress is QUIET.

The third offspring hates air conditioning so she keeps her bedroom door closed and the vent closed. I'm thinking if we're really quiet she won't hear our nocturnal activities. We can save the noisy stuff for when she's out of the house. Between our new quiet bed and her fan running..........hmmmmm....

We leave for our vacation in one week. PK and I will meet face to face soon. How cool is that? Now y'all know that PK and I are both private people who both believe firmly in the bonds of marriage and would never ever in a million years step outside those bonds, right? And I'm sure those of you who know us best know that there won't be any group spanking stories to tell. Sorry if that's a disappointment to anyone but that's just not our thing.

You will get to hear stories of us going out to dinner, sitting by the pool, and other such things. And yes, I'll hopefully have some stories to tell like last year's vacation, I'm sure.

PK and I have talked about that... about y'all thinking we might be getting together to ummm... do things. I said to her "You don't think they think that we ..... " We answered in unison: "Nah." I am excited to meet her and Nick. And I'll be sure to tell her that you all said hello.

Shifting gears....

Here's a story I've been following for about 3 years now and am very excited about. Have you heard about the car which is buried in Tulsa Oklahoma? I think it's the coolest thing ever. Here's a link to the story. Go read it and do some research of your own.

I find this absolutely fascinating. I think it will be the coolest thing ever if it's in really good shape. I'd love to be there when they dig it up.

Shifting gears again....

Adam's still been taking a crack at my rear when opportunity sits down in front of him. Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. These women who get their warm fuzzies from dining out, flowers, candy, etc are missing the big picture that I see clearly. I'm wanting my medical issues resolved so that he can do this properly.... Ain't nuttin' better than strong arms pulling one's pants down to the knees and going at it. Does anything say I love you better than a blistered behind?

Sigh........

Shifting gears again... and then I'll quit....

I had a dream last night. I told Adam about it when I got up this morning.

Adam, a dog (not our pup), and myself were swimming....

In the sky...

We were swimming in the sky.

We were leaving the car parked somewhere and then swimming in the air. I told him we had to keep swimming or we'd fall out of the sky.


Of course he did his best Dorey imitation. Just keep swimming... just keep swimming...

Then there was this ultra lite plane flying around us. It was red and decorated like a race car. There was a little old man flying it. He was ticked. I had to keep swimming in the air while I tried to talk to him. I wanted to know why he was so mad. Apparently he kept swooping down low to the ground but no one would give him a banana.

After Adam was done laughing at me and asking questions about the details of the dream (we take each other's dreams very seriously ... yeah. Right) he then asks "Have you been playing computer games again?"

Okay I guess you had to be there. It was funny. Then again, Adam and I often make our own humor that no one else in the world would find funny. That's what makes us... well... us.

Okay. I promised to quit so I will.

Bye y'all. (I'm practicing)

Girl Talk

You men among us might not be real interested in today's post. I'm not offended if you want to leave now. In fact, I'd be relieved.

First off, like my new look? I pretty much ventured out on my own. I did have to enlist CeeCi's help to get the baby kitties back up there in the address bar but I did the rest all by my little lonesome self. There's a few things I am not sure I like but there's time to tweak it as I go. I like blue. I REALLY like blue.

Anyhow, I went to the doctor today. That's not really all that unusual. I go to the doctor every three months for blood work and stuff. I'm on a list of drugs a mile long for all the normal overweight stuff such as diabetes, blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.

Anyhow, the doctor visit was interestingly timed. A while back I mentioned that I might be having gastric bypass surgery. Remember? Well one of the requirements is a current PAP test amongst other things. And at the same time I missed about 5 straight months of the monthly fun. That broke my heart.

A little more than three weeks ago it returned ... with a freakin' vengeance. I've never experienced anything like this but have been chalking it up to the onset of menopause. So anyhow upon hearing all this and seeing as my last PAP was oh, about thirteen years ago the doctor decides to not just do a pap but an ultrasound, too.

She says that the lining of my uterus is four times it's normal thickness. So what's this mean? Well, she's sending a sample out for a biopsy. I go back in a week. What's she expecting to find? Worried? I suppose I am a bit. Who wouldn't be?

Anyhow, somehow just writing about it makes it seem... not so scary. Think good thoughts. No horror stories about your aunt's friend's daughter who died of cancer. Encouragement of course is more than welcome though.

So how does this affect our vacation? Hopefully it won't. It won't. It just won't.

Okay... men.... you can come back now.

First Week of Summer Vacation Ramblings

What is it about summer time that makes the juices flow? Adam is still working but even he is caught up in my "I'm free!!!!!!" momentum. And that means he is cracking my ass and laughing every time he gets close enough and knows that no one is looking. I don't think audio is an issue with him however. Not anymore.

What I mean is that offspring number three has moved back in with us for the summer and this ass-cracking routine goes on with her in the house. As long as she is not occupying the same floor as us he apparently feels a good crack on the ass is appropriate. And for sure, it is. Besides, she plays her music loud enough to cover the sound of a quick crack on the rear.

I think that he's been getting warmed up, so to speak. Life gets in the way entirely too much. I like summer when we're so much more free. And playful. I love it when we're playful.

What really sucks is that neither of us has felt all that well lately. The doc figured out Adam's problem though and so he's on the mend. Bleeding ulcer. As for me, I've got issues too. I have a feeling that a doctor will soon be telling me that menopause is upon me. Am I too young for that? What's the "normal" age anyhow? Seventy five, yes? Okay, okay. I know it's younger than that but how much younger?

I got a FANTASTIC email from Carye earlier this week. Right away I wrote back with a "Please, oh please let me post this." She agreed. Here it is.


Lets see how did Grace do that with not much time...

children sleeping

garage door open

paint stirrer flying

coat racks

warm butt

paint brush

soaring heart!

comfy bed

passion ignited

deep sleep

awake 3 year old

screaming 3 year old

tired parents

cranky mommy

closing door

flying hand

soaring heart

happy mommy

Nice, huh? Of course though we all know what they say... When mom's happy, everybody's happy. Ain't that the truth?

Can we talk? I mean about this spanking stuff?

Let's see a show of hands. How many of you out there are going through what many of us went through? Afraid to talk to hubby? Holding this all in as a fantasy? Wanting it so desperately because you know how much it will improve your marriage? Stunned to find all these bloggers who blog about your very feelings?

It was sure tough. I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew what it would do for my marriage (I was right). I just didn't know where to begin. I didn't know HOW to begin. At first he rejected the idea and like a scared little rabbit, I never said another word to him. Years and years later I forgot to delete the history on the computer. He followed my trail and in doing so he learned many things that I couldn't tell him. He agreed to give it a try. The rest as they say is spanko history.

You're not alone. Keep reading. Learning. Start your own blog. Tell him, tell him, tell him.

Give him small bites and then the time needed to digest it. Just don't wait years like I did. One thing I've learned over the years is that there are very few men not willing to try something... anything... if he thinks it will spice up his love life. Assure him that it will.

You know why I think some guys rebel? Why they unknowingly make you feel like you are a nut case for wanting this? Why they say things like "I don't want to hurt you?" Why they reject the whole thing at first? Because....

Because they DO want it. It DOES turn them on and just like us women they feel like a pervert for wanting it. Especially if they are so called "respectable" men in prestigious jobs. Give me a break. A human male gets horny just the same as the next guy and if the next guy can be turned on by spanking his wife, then so can your guy.

And it's okay. We're mature "respectable" couples just like you. We're not kids. We're women in our thirties, forties, fifties, sixties. You're not alone. Now is the time to speak up. Actually if the truth were known here, this is the age when many of us do speak up so again, know that you are not alone. Many have gone before you.

Wonder why that is that so many women finally figure this out and work up their nerve in these so called "middle aged years."

I'm on a soapbox. Someone shut me up quick!!

See what happens when you turn the teachers loose for the summer?

Drop Carye a comment. I love what she wrote!!! (And she's itching for someone to ask about the coat rack).

PK and Nick

Happy 24th PK and Nick!!

Hope it's your best anniversary ever!!!

Well, until next year anyhow!!

I love you guys!

Happy Summertime Sudoku

*** Special, fantastic, terrific, notice***

So have you noticed the blinking heart on my blog roll? The one that hasn't blinked in months? Make sure you swing by SuzQ's blog and welcome her back to our little corner of the world!!!

Onto my summer kick off post... hehehehehehe


Since I remember how very much you all loved my Spanko Sudoku puzzles last summer hehehe, I thought I would bless you by kicking off this summer with one!! Have fun. Click on it for a larger, more print friendly version. Okay so not everyone loves these but I know that some of you do.




And for those of you who just can't stand waiting, click here for the solution.

Southern-ese

Recently Grace made this comment on my blog: "I was thinking about sending you a translator for when you visit PK. Do you want an electronic one, or a book? That southern accent can be hard to understand sometimes!"

And then she said this on PK's blog: "Actually, I'm thinking of getting Eva a book on Southern translation. I'm pretty sure she might need it."

It got me to thinking so I did a little online research seeing as how I now have plenty of time on my hands.

The following was found here.

My comments are obvious.

I am unequivocal southern. I mean born in a trailer on a tobacco farm, childhood on the back of a tractor, tomato sandwich, secretly hold men who don't carry pocket knives and know how to fix things suspect southern. Now, there are technically southern areas, such as Virginia, who don't share some of the things I do with people I've talked to about this from Alabama and Georgia and North Carolina; there is an area of the country where, well, we do things a certain way. One of them is that one must NOT be direct! I have come to realize that people from other ares just don't understand the code, and that this causes a problem in communication. Therefore, I thought I would use this entry to help them out with a few translations. OK, here is a crash course in what a southerner - particularly a southern girl - really means when she's talking to you.

"Bless her heart" = She's ignorant and I feel sorry for the silly bitch. (PK has said this OFTEN during our conversations. I will pay closer attention to context in the future.)

"Bless his heart". = He's a dumbass who doesn't know any better, the poor bastard. (Ah-ha. It's all starting to make sense now.)

"We have this problem with X and I'm not doing such a great job by myself. I need your help" = Dammit, I'm doing all the work and I'm going to strangle you if you don't get on the ball.

"Honey, I'm at the vet with Stinker and he's hurt! I'm really worried about him." = I'm at the vet and you should show me you love me by dropping whatever you are doing and coming up here right now. Otherwise you will not be getting laid for at least 2 weeks. (Are you listening, Nick?)

"I don't know about all that." = That sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me. (Actually, I think PK uses this as a vice to get people to do things - specifically blogging and computer things - for her).

"right much". = Not quite a LOT, but more than an average amount. You know, right much. (I do believe that is how PK described her last trip over Nick's knee.)

"Well, you know, she tried." = How pathetic. My cow could have done better. (hmmmm....)

"That's just the way he is". = I'll punch you if you say one more thing about my boy. (Well this is certainly understandable. PK and I both know that we are the ONLY ones permitted to whine about our own children.)

"Hey y'all, watch this!" = I am endangering my health and welfare for your amusement! Pay attention and act impressed if I don't break anything! (Actually, those are the words all teachers use when we exit the building for the last time each school year.)

"That's nice". = That's not nice, or I don't give a rat's ass, depending on the circumstances. Anyway, shutup. (Well, okay then. Mental note to self... retire for the evening when PK says "That's nice.")

Mom to daughter: "Oh, you got your hair done. (silence). " = it looks like you had your hair cut by a blind woodchopper. What the hell were you thinking? You're going to shave that off and get a wig, though, right? (PK really is diplomatic like this.)

Guy to woman: "Oh, honey, I don't care none about my birthday, you don't have to get me anything." = get me something. something cool. it's my birthday, woman.

Woman to guy: "Oh honey, don't worry about Valentine's day. I know you love me." = You had better show up with something, but make it more original than roses and chocolate. Don't be late, either, unless you want to be taking cold showers until you have made this up to me.

Hope that helps the less rural of you, bless your hearts!

---~~~ooo000ooo~~~---

And to really educate myself about southern-ese I turned to the pro himself... Mr. Jeff Foxworthy.

If you really want to learn more about what's in the book grace sent me, go here. It's quite educational.

So anyhow, on that note, I'll hush now because I'm sure my twin is chompin' at the bit to chime in here. Come on, PK you know you want to. Can't wait to hear what you have to say!!!